Call it the Virgo in me or whatever you like, but I have a bit of a problem. I like to think I have to plan everything out. Think it all through. Have the perfect conditions. The most top notch of all executions. Perfection.
As we all know perfection is a fantasy, an illusion. An illusion that I often entertain in my mind. I get all eek, eek, ekk (imagine stabbing motion). The most crazed of uptightness. I’m getting a little better about it, but I backslide all the time.
I have this false belief that I don’t deserve the joy of success unless I am perfect and since perfection isn’t truly possible the underlying message here is that I don’t deserve joy of success ever (way to be kind to myself).
Why do I make mountains out of molehills? Why do I accept other’s flaws without hesitation, but my own seem so terrible that I think I’m not worthy of moving forward? Is my ego that big that somewhere in me I think perfection is actually possible for me or that if I don’t strive for it I will be less than. Yep it’s fucking fear disguised as some sort of future accomplishment.
So as to keep myself from turning this revelation into a opportunity for me to solve a problem I’m going to leave it at that. Let it lie in the moment.
image via: tumblr