Health

I have a belief that I would like to get rid of

Call it the Virgo in me or whatever you like, but I have a bit of a problem. I like to think I have to plan everything out. Think it all through. Have the perfect conditions. The most top notch of all executions. Perfection.

As we all know perfection is a fantasy, an illusion. An illusion that I often entertain in my mind. I get all eek, eek, ekk (imagine stabbing motion). The most crazed of uptightness. I’m getting a little better about it, but I backslide all the time.

I have this false belief that I don’t deserve the joy of success unless I am perfect and since perfection isn’t truly possible the underlying message here is that I don’t deserve joy of success ever (way to be kind to myself).

Why do I make mountains out of molehills? Why do I accept other’s flaws without hesitation, but my own seem so terrible that I think I’m not worthy of moving forward? Is my ego that big that somewhere in me I think perfection is actually possible for me or that if I don’t strive for it I will be less than. Yep it’s fucking fear disguised as some sort of future accomplishment.

So as to keep myself from turning this revelation into a opportunity for me to solve a problem I’m going to leave it at that. Let it lie in the moment.

image via: tumblr

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7 Comments

  • Reply
    blake
    January 3, 2012 at 10:32 AM

    mmm, complicated unresolved messiness. I like it.

    Wait, who am I kidding! I may be a scorpio, but I share that perfection quest (all it takes is the perfect plan!!). Well, not on a Virgo level, but I get it.

    I applaud you in trying to get rid of the paralysis of "perfection." You're not alone there.

  • Reply
    Desi McKinnon
    January 3, 2012 at 10:34 AM

    Thanks Blake. It's good to know I'm not alone. We all have crazy little dictators in our heads.

  • Reply
    Colleen
    January 3, 2012 at 11:32 AM

    Aack! "mountains out of molehills"! my mom always used to say that's what I did…As in, "Colleen! You're making a mountain out of a molehill." They sure did feel like mountains to me. I wish she had showed me how….
    "…if I don't strive for it I will be less than…" I think that's it for me too, and I'm a crazy gemini with no patience for perfection.
    Here's to enjoying the process more and letting go of perfected results.
    (and by the way you are awesomely perfect in the bestest unperfect way–because perfect is boring, after all and you are so not boring)

  • Reply
    Desi McKinnon
    January 3, 2012 at 11:38 AM

    Thanks Colleen, you're the best. Don't worry about your Mom not teaching you. I got this terrible trait from my Mom and all she has done to teach me about it is what I don't want to happen;)

    My Mom never said I made mountains out of mole hills, she just said "Desi, stop doing it half-assed." Then she would hand me a toothbrush to scrub the grout of the shower tile. It's a wonder I'm not a complete slob because usually I rebel.

  • Reply
    jora
    January 3, 2012 at 8:02 PM

    I suffer from the little perfection dictator in my head too. Bryan was the first person to point out to me that the perfectionists are never the happy ones in the room. Darn. I'm not sure what makes some of us think that everything has to be just so before we can take the next step, but I do know that it's better just being aware of it. I like to (closely) watch my friends who dive in without so much thinking….I learn a lot from them. In the meantime, want to come over and help me clean grout?

  • Reply
    180|360
    January 10, 2012 at 8:06 AM

    I'm definitely a perfectionist as well and it kind of makes me crazy in a good and bad way. Ironically, I don't plan everything out in advance, but I also won't stop until it is perfect (or as close as I can get.) On one hand, being so critical makes me who I am… but on the other it also hinders me from being who I could be. ACK! Does that make sense.

    The moral of the story is always: BALANCE. (How many times do I have to write this, say this, repeat it to myself before I listen and react?) 🙂

  • Reply
    Natalie (Fashion Intel)
    January 15, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    I am a Virgo as well and I know exactly what you're talking about.

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